


Masters of Communication

by rumpelsnorcack



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-21 07:09:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9537263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rumpelsnorcack/pseuds/rumpelsnorcack
Summary: Even was such a goddam dork, Isak thought fondly.  But he was his dork, and Isak couldn’t imagine anyone better to have a scary adult conversation with.





	1. One: Even, Wednesday 10.34

**Author's Note:**

> A 5+1 in which Isak and Even find it hard to communicate, but then manage to do it really well. It was going to be a one shot, but it grew to a ridiculous length, so chapters it is. Totally complete, and I intend to post every day as I edit it.
> 
> Any dialogue from the show itself is, of necessity, a translation since I don't speak Norwegian. I have changed some parts so the English flows better for my purposes. This will probably have pulled the ideas further from the original, so I hope it still reflects what is actually said. If it's totally wrong now, please let me know so I can fix it.
> 
> Many thanks to [strangetowns](http://douchenuts.tumblr.com/) and [optimisticfairyprincess](http://optimisticfairyprincess.tumblr.com/) for the invaluable encouragement and beta work.

It had been a long week, and Even felt sluggish.  The last vestiges of his latest depressive episode were still hovering around him, weighing his body down and stuffing his mind full of cotton wool.  His legs barely obeyed him as he commanded them to walk, and it almost felt like more effort than it was worth to try to drag himself into school.  But Isak was there, and Even hadn’t seen him for days.  Hadn’t talked to him or texted him.  Hadn’t had anything to do with him.  And there was a part of Even that really desperately _needed_ to see Isak, to remind himself that this boy still existed, that the events of the weekend hadn’t been a dream.  

Sometimes it scared Even just how fast he’d fallen for this boy with his snarkiness and sly wit, his eye rolls and ridiculous competitiveness, his enthusiasm for study and learning, his voice which bounced around excitedly when he talked about something he became passionate about.  Even couldn’t believe that after all this time he’d finally managed to get close to Isak, to hold him, kiss him and be welcomed into his thoughts.  That Isak, the actual Isak who Even could hold and touch and kiss, was more real, more alive than the Isak Even had held in his mind for so long.  It felt big … huge.  It had felt like something he needed to tell Sonja, and so he had.  And now … well, now he needed to talk to Isak.  He needed to be sure that Isak cared too, that it had meant something to him too.  Even needed to be sure that Isak wasn’t going to reject him the way so many others had when they knew about him.

Even waited outside the gym, trying to attract Isak’s attention without calling undue attention to himself in the process.  Even silently traced the lines of Isak’s face as he kicked the soccer ball around.  He was all focused attention, his hair bouncing as he moved and his mouth set in concentration as he reached for the ball when it moved slightly out of his way.  Desire curled in Even’s stomach and tingled out ‘til it reached his fingertips, burning him with the need to kiss, to touch.  And now he could.  Finally.  Even in the depths of his depression, Even had still managed to croak out to Sonja that he couldn’t be with her anymore.  That had seemed important, even while the crushing weight sat on his chest and made it nearly impossible to breathe.  She’d taken it … not well, exactly.  Even could see the hurt in her eyes, the sadness in her face.  And he’d also seen an assumption on her part that this was a momentary lapse, a symptom of his illness.  The thought infuriated him, and he’d considered that maybe he’d chosen the wrong time to bring it up to her.  But even so, he’d been adamant.  Told her it was over.  But Sonja had just laughed softly, nodded and said, ‘okay, Even.  We can take another break.  Call me when you get bored again, hmm?’

The thought of her words caused Even to frown.  Why did she think he’d get bored?  Sure, he guessed she did usually know him better than he knew himself.  That’s what happened when you’ve been with someone for as long as they’d been together.  Even knew Sonja in detail as well.  He knew that when she’d had a bad day at work she needed time to be alone.  He knew that sometimes she was lying when she said things were fine.  He knew the way her eyes would light up when she was planning some sort of mischief.  He _knew_ her.  So it wasn’t weird that she knew him too.  But he didn’t like the idea that she somehow knew better than Even what his feelings for Isak were.  Or, maybe she was suggesting that Isak’s feelings were the ones that were fleeting?  No, Even thought as he studied Isak.  No.  He couldn’t let himself think that way.

Besides, that _was_ bullshit.  Isak looked up finally, right into Even’s eyes.  The warily hopeful, cautiously joyful look Even caught in Isak’s eyes made his heart beat faster again, and pulled his skin tight as his blood hummed in his veins.  There was no way Sonja _got this_ more than Even did.  No way.  As Isak followed Even into the locker room, Even tried to sort out his thoughts. Sonja’s words had affected him, much as he didn’t want to admit it to himself, and he needed to be _sure_ that Isak felt the same way.  Or maybe … maybe, Even thought wryly, _maybe_ his brain just wasn’t firing properly -- the fog of his depression was still making the world seem fuzzy and indistinct as he tried to bring his focus into the current moment.  Perhaps he was just catastrophising, the way his therapist had explained could happen sometimes.  Maybe ...

Even was still mulling his words, trying to spark his tired brain into some sort of action, as Isak entered, looking so vulnerable that Even’s heart twisted.  Maybe this hadn’t been the best idea, no matter how much his body screamed with the need to wrap his arms around Isak, and fall into his comforting warmth again.  Even barely heard Isak’s small, “hi,’ as he wavered just inside the doorway, clearly hesitant to approach Even.

“Hey,” Even said, smiling into the first words he’d said for what felt like days.

Whatever Isak saw in his face gave him the confidence to come a little closer, close enough that Even could smell the fresh sweat on him alongside his normal mixture of deodorant and shampoo.  Desire hit Even again, almost overwhelming him.  He swallowed.

Still hesitant, though, Isak sounded tiny and defeated when he asked, “where have you been?”

And that, Even thought as he stood in stunned silence for a moment, was a question he should have anticipated.  It had been days, after all, since he’d left Isak sleeping in bed and slipped out into a cold early morning -- and then never contacted him again.  Until now.  But it still took him aback.  How much should he say?  How much would drive Isak away?  ‘I was depressed’? ‘I’m bipolar; should have told you, sorry’? ‘I’m going to fuck up your life in so many ways, but I really like you so please stick with me’?  Instead, Even went with part of the truth.  The part he was pretty sure Isak would like.

“I …” Even took a breath and prodded himself into speaking more, despite his fears.  “I’ve told Sonja about you.  And we’ve decided to take a break.”  

Even swallowed again, trying to decipher what was going on in Isak’s head.  Normally so open and easy to read, Isak today was … difficult.  Closed.  Anxiety swirled up and Even felt the need to push, to fill the silence somehow.

“What do you think about that?”

Now Isak was finally showing some emotion, and Even could relax a little.  Isak’s happiness was indisputable, so _clearly_ Sonja had no idea what she was talking about.  For once.

“Great,” Isak finally said once he seemed to realise that he hadn’t spoken in far too long.  Even found it endearing.

“Yeah?” he asked, just to be sure.  It was hard, after all, to believe he could get something as good as this, some _one_ as good as this.  Even was sure he didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve the way Isak melted into him when they’d shared a bed, or the way he looked at him sometimes with shining eyes, like Even was some kind of hero.  

“Or, if … if it makes you sad then it’s … I hope it’s not my fault.”

As Isak spoke, obviously struggling to find the right words, trying to say the right thing, Even could feel his heart becoming lighter.  All the doubts could fuck right off, because it was right there on Isak’s face and in his voice -- he was unsure, wary of Even and what he thought, but he very clearly _wasn’t_ unsure about being with Even.  Even couldn’t keep the smile off his face even if he’d wanted to.  It seemed like years since he’d last felt like smiling, but this right here, _this_ was worth smiling about.

“I’m not sad.”

“No?”

“No.”

Even pressed forward, finally giving himself permission to give in to the need humming and itching in the tips of his fingers -- and through his lips -- to touch, to _kiss_ Isak.  It was brief, just the barest brushing of lips, but it centered Even in a way he hadn’t felt in days -- not since he’d last been tangled up with Isak.  And that had to mean something, surely.  Sonja was definitely wrong about this.

If the deep, shuddering breath Isak took afterwards was anything to go by, Even wasn’t the only one who’d been second guessing the situation.  The thought calmed him even more.  They were in this together, then.  A duo.  Formed (inspired?) by that Vilde, perhaps, but solidified by the two of them.  Just them.  Together.

There was still the nagging worry that he hadn’t told Isak everything, and that Even needed to do that before things went too much further between them.  He mulled it for a moment before trying to come at the idea in a roundabout way, through what the people closest to Isak might say about him being with a boy rather than a girl.  Testing the waters, trying to figure out how those around him might react to the more important stuff, like how screwed up Even was and how Isak’s life was going to go down the toilet if … no, Even scolded himself.  Stop that.  He took another breath and asked the question.

“What do you think your parents would say if you started dating me?”

Isak hesitated for a very long moment, before he said, “I … think that would be okay.”

Which was so clearly a lie that Even almost snorted.

“Yeah?”  he asked, trying to let Isak know without words that he could tell the truth, that in fact Even _wanted_ him to tell the truth.  Because that was the only way Even was going to muster the courage to say the things that really mattered.  Isak sensed that Even hadn’t believed him, which was a relief.

“Or … my dad probably wouldn’t mind,” Isak said, this time more convincingly.  This was the truth, then, which did leave one glaring problem.

“But your mother would?” Even prompted.

“My mother’s insane.”

The admission looked like it cost Isak a lot.  It was obvious to Even that Isak was ashamed of this and that … that was actually hard to take in.  Because as much as Even was trying to work up to this subject, he hadn’t expected it to come up so soon … or in this way.  The casual use of the word ‘insane’ hurt like fuck, and Even had to step carefully now because this had just got real in a way he hadn’t expected.  He thought carefully, weighing his words, and trying to find the right ones to get to the heart of how Isak felt about this.  Because this was important.  A thread, delicate as a cobweb, lay between them.  It was as strong as cobweb too, but even that had its limits and Even was trying very carefully not to reach theirs.  One wrong move and the web snapped, and he lost Isak forever.

Finally he went with a simple, “in what way?”

It gave Isak probably the best opening he could have right now.  Which was to say, not a great opening at all.  But it was something.  An offering, from Even to Isak, which he hoped Isak could accept in the way it was meant.  Isak obviously noticed Even’s hesitation because he got even less assured as he spoke about his mother.  Even wanted to yell ‘no, no, it’s not what you think,’ but he couldn’t bring himself to say it until he knew what Isak was really thinking.  

Through the attempt at a joke about Donald Trump to Isak’s final defiant, “It’s none of her fucking concern.  We haven’t spoken since I moved out,” his demeanor was awkward, jittery.  Like he didn’t know how Even would react to mental illness.  Which was a fucking joke, when you thought about it.  And it also told Even almost all he needed to know.  He could already feel the icy hand of fear clutching at his heart.

“So you don’t keep in contact anymore?”  Even asked, hoping he was wrong.  Hoping that Isak hadn’t cast his mother aside because she had a mental illness … because she was _crazy_.  But the next words sealed it.  Even was almost shaking as Isak talked, though he tried not to let Isak see him react.  Now, more than ever, it was important to keep himself guarded.

“I decided my life would be better without mentally ill people around me.”

They stood for a long time, silence echoing between them.  Even had no idea what Isak was thinking in this moment.  His own thoughts were churning so much he had no ability to take in anything else.  After a long moment, that was possibly the most uncomfortable he’d ever felt between them, Isak spoke again.  And the shy happiness in his voice was heartbreaking.  

“What do you think your parents would say about me?”

The school bell rang as Even tried to process what to say.  He needed to think; this wasn’t something he could deal with in the moment.  Even knew he was considered impulsive by most people who knew him, but there were moments where time was important.  There were moments that were too big to be thrown away in the blink of an eye.  

Even decided to give himself time.  Time to think.  Time to regroup.  Time to work out what was best for Isak here.  Because the one thing that had been blisteringly obvious in this conversation was the pain Isak felt when he talked about his mother.  The pain he felt when he’d been dealing with her -- and the subsequent happiness he felt now she was out of his life.  Even had to evaluate.  If they did this was he going to add another burden to Isak?  ‘Of course you are,’ his brain sneered at him.  And _that_ (his stupid brain) was why Even had to take time out.  He had to think this through, not come to snap decisions based on the lingering effects of his depression.

So he cupped Isak’s face again, tracing his features with his eyes as well as his thumb, and said,  “I think they’d love you,” before kissing Isak, caressing his face a final time and leaving.

Even’s thoughts were still whirling as he left, trying to comprehend how his day had gone from dim to bright to this searing pain.  Because, as much as Even wanted to think about what was best for Isak, he couldn’t deny that this hurt.  Of course, Isak had no idea that what he had said would hurt Even in this way.  But it still stabbed, punching him in the gut whenever Even allowed himself to hear those words again on the long trip home.  His thoughts bounced from ‘what is best for Isak?’ to ‘fuck … fuck this hurts’ to ‘Isak will be better off’ to ‘but I want to be with him’ and back again, around and around until Even was exhausted again by the time he got home.  He crawled into bed in the hopes that sleep would either settle his thoughts or that he’d wake up and find this was all some fevered dream.

Unfortunately, the next morning dawned with Even’s thoughts as negative as they’d ever been.  He already knew he was a fuck up.  He already knew he couldn’t control his own life, let alone that of someone like Isak.  It would be better, therefore, to let Isak go -- Isak might feel sad for a bit, maybe, but in the long run he’d be better off.  And anyway, maybe he’d be _relieved_ to be free of someone as shit as Even anyway.  

Even had spiralled so far into his own self doubt that by the time he got Isak’s text that day, he truly felt like he was doing the best thing by asking for more time.  Isak would be better without him, and if Even had selfishly left an out ( _too fast … need time_ ) rather than breaking it off entirely … well, maybe _Even_ needed that right now.  And maybe that small ray of hope that it could somehow work out was what Even needed to push his feet through the days that followed when he allowed his life to drift back to its old course where Sonja was in control and he didn’t need to worry about anything.


	2. Two: Isak, Friday 18.27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm extremely sorry that the first two chapters are such angsty ones. Unfortunately, I feel like all (or most, anyway) of their issues with communication stem from these two moments and so I had to include them. I promise that things get slowly more fluffy and happier from here on in.

He should be happy, Isak thought, and in many ways he really _really_ was.  He’d just had pretty much the most erotic experience of his life with a boy he was desperately falling for, heading straight (hah, straight.  As if) over the edge and into dangerously fond territory.  Scratch that ‘pretty much’ actually.  It had been _hands down_ the most erotic experience of his life.  One that he was very keen to repeat, and soon.  

He flushed as he looked over at Even.  Even, whose face was bright with passion, and lit up from the window behind him like one of those stupid paintings Isak’s teachers had made them write essays on last year.  He hadn’t appreciated the paintings at the time, but he sure was appreciating the hell out of Even right now.  Even was _hot_ , and okay so he was always hot.  But Even right now was the sort of hot that was distracting Isak.  His fingers itched with the desire to reach out and touch the body that had just been so close to his own.  His lips tingled as he remembered the kisses that had rained all over him just minutes before, and which he had pressed in turn to Even’s body.  Heat pooled under Isak’s skin as he remembered the touches that had played out all over his own body, the caresses that had stirred passions in him that he hadn’t been aware existed before he’d met Even.

But Isak refrained himself, forcing his hands to pick up the food they’d ordered instead of grabbing Even and dragging him back to the bed.  He _was_ a little hungry anyway, now he thought about it, and the burgers were fucking delicious.  Isak spared a thought or two for how Even was paying for this, though when he’d shyly broached the subject earlier Even had scoffed and said he had it under control.  So Isak had shrugged and let it be, and he let it be again.  Because these burgers really _were_ amazing.  So he ate until it was now just a matter of tasting rather than satisfying hunger, and he observed Even again.  Marvelled again at the beauty of his body, at the miracle that this wonderful person had come into Isak’s life and actually wanted him back.  That he was now his official _boyfriend_ .  That was the part that made Isak’s head swim and sent a flush rushing into his cheeks.  Even wanted _him_ , he’d chosen _him_ , and Isak was not yet used to the surge of pleasure that would hum through him whenever he let himself think about it.

The problem wasn’t with any of that.  Not the suite itself, or the food, _definitely_ not the sex.  The sex was … the sex was _fucking_ awesome, was the only way he could find to describe it Isak thought, his thoughts going misty with the memories.  No, the problem was with Even.  There was something just a little off about him.  Isak didn’t tend to think of himself as a particularly observant person -- no more than other people, anyway.  But he knew Even.  Despite knowing him for such a short time, Isak had learned Even’s rhythms -- the way he moved, the cadences of his speech, the way he smiled, the way he’d tilt his head in a certain way when he really wanted to fire Isak up.  They were already comfortable and familiar, these things that spilled out from Even whenever they were together.  

So the fact that Isak couldn’t place Even right now was worrying.  It shouldn’t be worrying -- you can’t know all of a person in a mere few weeks, after all.  But the way Even was acting was so subtly different that it was jarring.  This didn’t feel like a new side of him opening up to Isak.  This felt … weird.

Isak could feel a prickling unease creeping up under his skin.  He tried to ignore it, to push it away and concentrate on the sweet things Even was saying.  Because they _were_ sweet, if ‘sweet’ was even a word he could apply to a guy?  Yeah … if the guy was Even, you definitely _could_ apply it to him.  There were times, Isak thought laughing ruefully at himself, when he realised he had become far too disgustingly sappy for his own good.  The Even effect, he called it whenever he allowed himself to dwell on it. It was … kind of awesome, actually.  Having an Even who could have an Even effect on him.

When Even started talking about marriage, however, Isak was dragged back into the moment and away from the fond thoughts of everything Even was to him, and he got even more confused.  Isak was seventeen.  This was all new to him.  Even, and relationships, and being committed to someone -- they were all so new,  So how could he even think of marriage?  How could Even, at just a couple of years older, be talking marriage like this?  Isak tried to run with the ideas, but Even was rambling and Isak couldn’t keep up, couldn’t follow.  There was talk of nakedness (which caused Isak’s body to react in ways that made him feel hot and restless and lose track of some of what Even was saying again -- so maybe that was the problem?  Isak kept being distracted by Even and his perfect body sitting right there looking so fucking hot, and maybe then it wasn’t an issue with Even at all ...), and a balcony and mini burgers, and some reference to something that Isak couldn’t follow.  

Even was a little too bright, a little too energetic, a little too pleased with himself.  He was just slightly not-Even, and Isak found it a little off putting, feeling the smile fading from his face as he listened to Even talk, making just enough sense to be close to normal but just enough not-sense to send spikes of unease thudding through Isak’s body.  Then Even tilted his head in that way he always did and grinned at Isak, his joy so infectious that Isak couldn’t help but melt.

Isak smiled fondly at Even, forgetting for a few moments the odd way he was acting as he sank into the feelings Even always created in him.  Isak could feel himself staring, but he didn’t care.  He was _allowed_ to stare now, allowed to reach out and touch and nuzzle.  Allowed to caress and kiss.  Alllowed to … no, Isak shook himself out of that little fantasy.  That could wait.  Instead, he drank in Even as much as he wanted to.  His face was alight with joy as he talked, and Isak couldn’t help the smile that bloomed on his face.  There was something so enlivening about being with Even.  In this moment, he’d stopped rambling, and sounded almost like his usual self again.  Isak allowed himself to relax.  Maybe … maybe it had been in his head then, the oddness.  Or maybe it _was_ just that this was a new side of Even -- a side he only showed when he was totally relaxed, maybe?  It didn’t matter anyway, Isak insisted to himself.  The only thing that mattered was that Even was here and they could touch each other.

This time, Isak allowed himself to do just that -- to reach out to run his hands over Even’s chest.  He was rewarded with a blinding grin.

“You can’t get enough of me, huh?” Even’s voice was teasing, familiar.  This was something Isak knew -- this was a familiar pathway, with familiar feelings, and Even fell into that path perfectly.  There was nothing jarring here now.

“Well, you are pretty hot, you know,” Isak said with an attempt at nonchalance which he was pretty sure was ruined by the breathiness in his voice.  He gulped and added, “it would take a stronger man than me to resist.”

Even pretended to think for a moment before crawling over towards Isak, and pushing his body back against the floor with a look in his eyes that made Isak’s body heat up almost immediately.  

“I am hot, yes,” Even said, his voice a rough growl.  “But you’re hotter, baby.”

The tone of Even’s voice made Isak shiver, and his lips hovered just over Isak’s own -- teasing him, infuriatingly.  There was a clear challenge in Even’s eyes as he said, “I can’t be held responsible for what your hotness makes me do.”

He kissed Isak then, slow and sure, a promise.  He pulled back to nuzzle at Isak’s nose, lips now barely brushing Isak’s, and Isak felt himself leaning into the next kiss involuntarily -- pulled into Even’s orbit like the satellite he was.  He sighed a little as Even’s lips left his own, the sound sending a shiver down Even’s spine right where Isak could feel it.  Suddenly, there was no more need to talk.  They made it to the bed, but only just.  Isak forgot all about how oddly Even had been acting earlier and allowed himself to let go of all his whirling thoughts and fears and insecurities, and just enjoy himself.  Because _fuck_ did he enjoy this.  He’d never realised how the feel of somebody else’s body could be so intoxicating.  He’d kissed girls and fondled girls, and he’d even let them fondle him, but Isak had never felt anything like _this_ before.  He didn’t think he’d ever get enough of the way Even made him feel, and it drowned out everything else.

Afterwards, as they lay together and talked quietly, Isak barely remembered what had happened earlier, too consumed in the sleepy afterhaze to care about anything else.  Even was his usual self -- there were some dark thoughts, perhaps, but that was Even.  Sometimes when he’d been inside his head for a while, Even would go down a dark path, but always he came back to the sunshine and the light sooner or later.  So, as much as Isak whispered, “don’t say that” when Even would make his comments, Isak knew how to deal with this Even.  He knew that if he just waited a little while, the sunnier, happier Even would come out again.  

And so he did this time.  Maybe this Even was a little bouncier than usual and maybe this Even gave out more compliments than usual, and maybe this Even was fucking annoying as hell jumping in and out of bed and rocking Isak enough that he couldn’t sleep even though he was so goddam tired he couldn’t think anymore.  But this Even was also loving and caring, and he kissed Isak a lot -- and if he was entirely honest with himself, Isak would think ‘fuck sleep.’  After all, who needs sleep when you have Even right there being so charming and being even more free with his kisses than usual?

So Isak didn’t notice when Even’s mood began to spike again, not at first anyway.  And Isak was sleepy enough, and distracted enough, that he barely registered that Even had put on his shoes.  Not until he was already out the door.  And by then it was too late to catch up to him.

Isak wasn’t entirely sure how he got through the next period of time.  Honestly, he couldn’t even tell you how long it took.  His heart raced, the blood beating in his veins so hard that it felt like it would burst out of him.  Isak ran, not sure what direction to head in, totally baffled as to what was going on.  It was obvious that whatever had been making Even not himself earlier was behind this.  But that didn’t exactly help, not when he didn’t know what was wrong.  Isak ran, and looked, and panicked.  Every second that ticked by with no sign of Even made Isak’s heart beat faster.  What if something had happened to him?  Something more than whatever was already going on anyway.

Eventually, Isak stopped.  He forced himself to think, to calm his racing thoughts into some sort of actual sensible plan.  Okay, so.  He couldn’t find Even.  He had no real way of knowing which way Even had gone or where he could have got to by now.  So Isak needed a new plan.  Which should be what?  What could he do, out here by himself with a pile of clothes?  Well, nothing if he was being truthful.  So, he needed someone else.  But who?  He flicked through a list of possible people to call.  Jonas?  No, it was late and Jonas wasn’t any more likely to have things figured out.  He simultaneously rejected Eskild, Noora and Linn.  Noora and Linn were probably at home and maybe even asleep and Eskild, while probably out, just didn’t feel right. The thought of his sarcasm seemed jarringly out of place in this terrifying moment.  Isak glanced at his phone, panic closing in again.  He was out of options, except …

Well, she _had_ asked him to call her.  Maybe not this late, but it seemed like there might have been a reason for her asking that, and maybe the reason could help him right now.  So, Isak swallowed and pressed call.  It was late, Isak knew that, and he knew he was probably going to bother her a lot, but _someone_ had to help and she … she probably knew Even best anyway.  His hands shaking, Isak waited for Sonja to pick up and when she did he started walking again, trying to see if he could somehow just sense where Even might be.

Isak rambled, and Sonja listened and talked and asked questions and seemed almost terrifyingly competent.  Like this was no big deal to her.  Like this was a thing that she’d dealt with before.  Which made Isak feel icy cold as he walked the streets.  And okay so it was fucking cold out anyway, but this was a different type of cold, one that crept into his bones and seeped through his body, leaving him shivering despite his warm clothes.  Sonja asked and Isak told her where he was, and then she said she’d make some calls and come find him, so he paced around a small area, still hoping that Even would materialise somehow and laugh and say ‘haha got you - good joke, wasn’t it?’ and everything would be okay.  Because right now everything felt so far from being okay that Isak almost couldn’t breathe.

It was a relief when he saw Sonja getting out of the taxi, and when she told him where Even was and that he was safe Isak almost collapsed from the weight of the relief he felt.  But Isak still didn’t understand.  He didn’t get what all this meant, and he definitely didn’t get why she looked so goddam pissed off at him.  Like this was his fault somehow.

“What just happened?” he asked.  He knew his voice was desperate but he didn’t care.  He needed answers because that was fucking scary for all sorts of reasons, and Sonja was looking at him like he was scum, and Isak just needed to fucking _know_.

Her answer chilled him even more.  He was manic.  Even was manic -- and everything they’d ever had was a lie.  Isak was ‘a sick idea’ he was having because he wasn’t himself.  He felt sick.  His whole world crumbled with her words.  Even was sick, what he had with Isak was sick.  Sick.  The way Isak had always believed people would see him.  And now, when he’d thought he’d found something true and real, it turned out it was a lie.  A sick joke.  Isak could barely hear her over the roaring in his ears as he fixated on that one word, and he felt his knees buckle just a little as he tried to take in what she was saying.

“So could you please just stay away?”

His heart felt like it was breaking, shattering into a million pieces.  Everything was so confusing, a jumbled mix of thoughts and feelings unable to settle.  But Isak did know one thing: yeah he _could_ stay away, and he would.  Because everything that had meant so much to _him_ had meant nothing to Even.  He’d thought, once before, that Even was playing with him, and that had _hurt_.  But this was so much worse -- this wasn’t Even’s fault, but it was even more devastating because of that.  Terrified for Even, devastated at the thought of what he might be going through, but even more upset at the idea that all his feelings had been built on a nest of lies, Isak texted Eskild and made his way home.  Everything had gone to shit, and this was all too much to deal with alone.

Eskild tried, he did, but by the time Isak got home his devastation had crystallised around his heart and throat, and he found it impossible to talk at all.  Isak just gave numb nods whenever Eskild delicately asked if he was okay, drank the water he forced into his hand then curled up in his bed.  Sleep never came during the long night.  By the time Eskild tried to be philosophical at Isak the next morning, Isak was wrung out.  Maybe heartache did diminish with time, but right now the pain was so bright and chaotic that there was nothing else in Isak’s life.  Nothing he did helped -- not trying to understand bipolar disorder, not being with his friends, not trying to sleep.  Nothing.  All that existed in Isak now was a blank emptiness where yesterday there had been sparkling hope.  Isak didn’t deserve hope and happiness, not in this universe, and maybe not in any other either.  So all there was now, was trying to push through it and survive.  And wasn’t that just a fucking joke?  When Even had become the thing he’d built his life around, how did he learn to survive without him?  When it had all been lies and deception, how did Isak figure out which parts of his life were actually real and not sick fabrications?


	3. Three: Even, Saturday 03.12

Even hadn’t planned on coming to this party when Isak had asked him on Wednesday.  On Wednesday, while he was feeling much better than he had in days, Even still didn’t feel up to too much human interaction.  So he’d, very vaguely, told Isak he wouldn’t go.  It wasn’t a lie, exactly.  His mother had asked him to go home and he had promised he’d go eat there, and he did think it was probably time to stop imposing on Isak (though he didn’t say that part, reasonably sure that Isak would have been furious about it and insisted he was the master of not being imposed on, or something equally ridiculous).  So Even had gone home, and he’d felt weird.  Like something was missing.  Like Isak was missing, which if Even were completely honest actually really freaked him out.  Not in the ‘alone in your mind’ way, but more in a ‘I shouldn’t be so reliant on someone’ way.  So he’d made himself stay away.  Until now.

Now, he found he couldn’t stay away from Isak any longer, and the party was the perfect excuse to go back.  The yearning to see Isak was so great that he was growing desperate with the need to see him and to touch him.  It had only been a few very short days and yet his body felt empty, as if being away from Isak had deprived it of some sort of vital nutrient.  Which … fuck.  This was exactly the sort of thought that had made Even decide to spend time away from Isak in the first place.  He should be stronger than this.  And yet, here he was, getting his shoes on and kissing his mother goodbye as he headed for the door.

“You going out?”

“Yeah.  Party.  You know how it is.”

“Party?  Will Isak be there?”   


Even rolled his eyes.  His mother had never been exactly subtle, but she’d got even worse since he’d told her about Isak, with small comments being peppered into almost every conversation they had.  Lately, they were getting even more pointed with very little attempt at subtlety.  

“Yes, he’ll be there.  It’s a party for the school group where we met.”

“I’d love to meet him sometime.  You know, make sure he’s as great as you say.”

Even sighed in fond exasperation; it was getting  _ really _ pointed.  “I’ll ask him.”  He looked over at his mother again.  “By the way, I might not come back tonight.”

“I don’t think there’s much ‘might’ about that, Even.  But I would really like if you could come here, with him, sometime.  I just … I do worry a little.”

“I know.”  Even kissed her cheek again.  “But I’m fine, I promise.”   
  


Even managed to keep his cool when he walked into the kitchen where Isak was hanging out with the rest of his friends.  He’d known that getting a private moment with Isak was unlikely since this was a party, and anyway he liked Isak’s friends.  They were loud and stupid and made dumb jokes all the time, but they made Even laugh, and they did their best to make him feel welcome.  Which, considering everything that had happened, was something of a miracle -- one that Even wasn’t going to throw away.  Getting a private moment was barely the point anyway.  What was more important was getting to see Isak and spend time in his company.  The rest … well, the rest could wait.  He wasn’t  _ that _ desperate.  Not yet anyway.  Besides, there was another sort of joy in the way his eyes would always find Isak’s, and would usually find Isak focused on him in return.  The shared smiles and acknowledgements that were meant just for them -- those were some of Even’s favourite things.

Another of Even’s favourite things was when they’d greet each other privately again once they were alone.  He loved that.  And he wasn’t even remotely feeling guilty at keeping Isak from his guests while they hung out in the kitchen.  He’d been a little worried about how he’d deal with this party, with this many people around, but Even found it was fine.  They were spread out enough that he wasn’t overwhelmed, and Isak was always there -- either right by Even, regardless of who else was around and could see them (and how Even’s heart had beaten faster when Isak hadn’t shown any shame or regret when Sana had interrupted them, and instead stayed close beside Even), or in the corner of his eye.  The few minutes he did manage to spend alone with Isak had invigorated him enough that he didn’t feel the need to be always by Isak’s side the whole night.  

Instead, he wandered around and joined whatever conversation seemed like the most fun at the time.  He laughed at Eskild’s antics and agreed cheerfully when asked to help hang the mistletoe for him -- and very carefully didn’t step under the doorway despite Eskild’s rather pointed glances.  He chatted to a whole group of girls as they hung a bunch of weird decorations on the large tree Vilde had obviously managed to coerce someone into getting.  He made a point of talking to a bunch of kids who’d come to the meetings but who he hadn’t really got to know yet.  In between, he smiled at Isak, or found him for long enough to steal a kiss or a short conversation.  Even enjoyed himself so much that he didn’t stop to think about the day in much detail until much later.

He was wrapped around Isak in his bed, fingers gently running down his arm as they laughed about some of the stupid things that had happened at the party.  Isak’s giggles were more uninhibited than usual -- a combination of the beer he’d been drinking and the quiet of the late night, he guessed.  Feeling as happy as he had in weeks, Even pressed a kiss to Isak’s forehead.

“Baby?”

“Mmmm?” Isak sounded like he might be close to sleep, and Even considered just leaving it be.  But he’d made a promise to himself that he’d stop hiding things from Isak.  Hiding things had caused more pain that it had prevented.  So Even took a breath and tightened his arm around Isak.  Isak looked up at him then, a questioning look on his face.

“You know when you said it was your job to tell me what’s right and what’s not?”

“Yeah?”  The tone was puzzled and wary, and Even’s heart dropped.  He didn’t want to make a big deal out of this.  It wasn’t huge in the long run, and he was tempted once again to laugh it off.  But he shouldn’t, Even knew that.  So he steeled himself.

“You know that’s not necessary, right?”

Isak sat up abruptly, pulling away from Even’s embrace and he shuddered at the sudden rush of cold air the movement created.  Even hoped that wasn’t a sign of some sort.

“I didn’t mean to bother you, baby.  You know that.”

“I know.  And I don’t mind, not really.  But …”

He sighed, and Isak reached over to take his face between his hands. He lifted his eyes to his boyfriend’s.  Isak smiled at him, so one worry diminished -- the worry that if he told Isak what he really thought about things he might just leave immediately.  But the other worry remained and he did need to address it.

“‘But’?” Isak prompted, before giving Even a small kiss and smiling at him again.

Even sighed and pulled on Isak’s arm to try to get him to lie back down.  This would be easier if he could just talk into the air and not have to look into Isak’s eyes.  Isak seemed to understand because he tucked himself in beside Even and started drawing circles on his chest, watching his hand’s movements rather than looking at Even.  Even squeezed him once in thanks and appreciation, and Isak’s lips turned up in a slight smile.

“You know a bit about Sonja and me, right?”

Isak snorted.  “Yeah a bit.  You trying to make me jealous?”

Even laughed.  He could hear the teasing note in Isak’s voice, and wondered again how he knew just the right tone to take with Even.

“Jealous?  No.  But, I think it’s time I told you some of how that was … with her.  I just don’t want you to get mad.”

This time Isak did look up at Even, and he could see the sincerity in his eyes, and hear it in his voice when he spoke.

“Even, I won’t get mad.  I promise.  I’m … I’m still learning, so anything you could help me with is awesome.”

Isak looked back down to his hand and watched it circling around, the motion soothing even as Even’s heart raced with what he was saying.  It came out in a broken jumble, with hesitations between ideas and a fumbling to find the right words.

“The thing is, we were together when I got diagnosed and so she knew me before that and she knew me after.  And I guess before I was diagnosed I’d be a bit … erratic?  I wasn’t good at controlling myself and I could be a bit mean sometimes.  I think it wasn’t nice for her, but she stuck with me, you know?”

Isak nodded, still watching his own hand, and Even lay silently for a few moments.  He wanted to frame this right, to make Isak see what was worrying him.  Isak’s breaths in the dark grounded Even, and he almost wanted to stop because this was a hard thing to say -- harder now in the moment than it had been in his head whenever he’d thought about having to have this conversation with Isak.  But he continued because he  _ had  _ promised himself.

“She … uh.  She got really controlling somehow.  Like my parents, a bit.  And they had reasons I know.  I’m sure I scared them a lot, but it felt bad.  I didn’t like it.  They’d monitor everything.  Oh, bipolar people shouldn’t drink too much alcohol?  Well, better make sure Even drinks none.  Bipolar people shouldn’t smoke?  Better make sure Even has none, ever.”

Even felt tears pricking in his eyes, and he cursed himself for doing this when he was so tired and overwrought.  He took a deep breath and tried to control the bitterness in his voice when he continued.  He glanced down at Isak, whose hand had stilled but who was looking at it still.  There was a slight frown on his face, but it looked more like concentration than anger so Even tried to push the stab of fear away as he spoke again.

“I wasn’t allowed to make my own decisions.  I had basically no life of my own.  It was like they even told me what I thought or felt and whether it was a real thought or a bipolar thought.”

Even laughed, wincing at the bitterness he heard in it.  

“Only you can feel what you feel,” Isak said softly.  

Even laughed again, less bitterly this time.  “I remember someone wise told me that once.”

A smile.  Isak’s hand resumed its circling on Even’s chest and he let out a breath, feeling suddenly lighter. 

“I get it,” Isak said now.  “I’ll try to let you have your own life.”

“I know,” Even said, kissing his hair again.  “I know you’re not Sonja, but …”

“But it’s hard to let go after four years.”

“Yeah.”

They lay like that for a long time, both sunk into their own thoughts.  At least, Even was in his own head and he assumed Isak was too.  It didn’t feel bad.  Definitely not as bad as he’d imagined he’d feel after saying some of those things.  He pulled isak firmly to him, and kissed his hair again, revelling in being able to do that.

“We should sleep now, baby.”  Isak yawned to emphasise the comment and Even laughed again.  

“You’re such a lightweight.”

“I am not!  I’m the master of late nights!  No-one is better at late nights than me.  It’s just … you need sleep, you know?  This is all for your sake.”

“Yeah yeah, okay,”  Even laughed.  

They snuggled closer together and Even couldn’t help himself.  He had to kiss this boy who was so good to him, and who gave him so much.  But when Isak yawned again mid-kiss, Even squeezed him again and lay back.  Isak fell asleep soon after, his quiet snuffles echoing in the bedroom and his body heavy against Even’s own, making him feel safe and warm.  But Even still couldn’t sleep.

He knew Isak meant every word he said, and he knew he would try not to be controlling.  But it was hard for Even to let go of the worry.  He’d felt it for so long with Sonja, and while Isak  _ was _ trying and Even appreciated it every day, there were still signs.  Or not signs exactly, but things he did that reminded Even of Sonja.  The thing with the weed -- and Isak had dealt with it as if it was a joke, which had made it so much easier for Even to laugh about it too, but at the heart of it he’d been serious.  Even knew he wouldn’t be getting any of it.  Which wasn’t a problem, not really, not in itself.  It was just … it felt so familiar.  

And even that last comment before sleep.  It was a joke, Even reminded himself.  Which … yeah, it was.  But it was also another comment suggesting that Isak knew better than Even what he needed.  And there was always that worry, that this boy who he felt so much for would turn into Sonja.  She’d always meant well, too.  She’d always done everything out of a concern for Even’s welfare.  But in the end it had been stifling, not comforting.  Even trusted Isak, he did.  And he knew Isak wanted to do the right thing.  The problem was … what happened if, or more likely when, Isak’s idea of the right thing clashed with Even’s?  What then?

“I don’t want to hide from you,” he whispered into Isak’s hair.  “But how can I be open?”

With the question still unanswered, Even allowed himself to finally drift into sleep.  It was a problem for another time, one that they would hopefully never have to face.


	4. Four: Isak, Saturday 19.42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just loved that New Year scene that was posted, so obviously I had to set one of these things during that time. Also, it apparently gave my brain permission to overuse the word 'baby' so I apologise in advance for far too many uses of that particular petname, by both of them.

Isak smoothed his hands over Even’s shoulders after he adjusted his tie one last time.  He smiled up at his boyfriend and asked, “what do  _ you _ want?”  He wasn’t really sure whether he meant for the new year or for his life, but he genuinely wanted to know.  It was New Year’s eve, and Isak was having a moment of total soppiness.  His own answer may have been a joke (though maybe not?  Maybe Donald Trump being impeached was actually quite an awesome New Year wish.  Maybe Isak was being selfless and amazing by wishing for something to benefit the whole world not just himself.  Yeah, he was totally the  _ master _ of being selfless), but he really wanted to know what Even was thinking.  Even’s mind was endlessly fascinating to Isak.

“That you learn how to tie a tie,”  Even said, grinning at Isak and dragging his thoughts right back to ground level.  Fucking asshole.  Isak laughed and pushed at Even, who tightened his arms around Isak’s back so he couldn’t wriggle away.  That was totally unfair, Isak thought.  Even knew the effect he had on Isak, he knew that Isak was getting unbearably turned on right now.  And he was using it to his advantage, the asshole.

“Fuck you,” Isak said, breathlessly.  He didn’t really care.  The last few weeks had been so good, and today of all days Isak was feeling really fond.  Fond of Even, fond of the life they were building.  It hadn’t all been easy -- Even had been moody and irritable occasionally, and Isak had stepped warily, unsure how to act or what to do at times.  But now it was the end of the year, and looking back Isak couldn’t believe where he’d got to now.  Just a few months ago he’d been miserable, trying to hide himself behind layers of masks and walls that held him apart from those around him.  But now Isak was in the arms of his very beautiful, very talented, very charming boyfriend.  His very beautiful, talented and charming boyfriend who was smiling at Isak in a way that made his knees go weak (and thank fuck Even was holding onto him because otherwise Isak was in great danger of sliding to the floor and never being able to get up).

Then Even’s lips were on his and Isak forgot how to breathe for a moment.  His fingers tightened on Even’s back and he pulled him in closer.  Then  Even, the bastard, pulled back a little, leaned his forehead on Isak’s and carried on discussing their lives as if he was totally unaffected.  Asshole.   


“Nah. I don't want jackshit. Just want everything to stay like it is now.” 

And that was actually something Isak could totally get behind.  Because right now his life was pretty perfect.  Isak smiled and pulled Even down for another kiss.  This one was softer, less intense, but it left Isak’s heart hammering against his chest all the same.  And okay, Even tended to have that effect on him, but Isak was sure he was never going to get used to it.  It had been weeks since that first tentative attempt at kissing, and yet Isak was still as giddy as he had been that day in his kitchen.  He sighed happily as they parted, content to be in Even’s arms.  Even brushed his hair off his forehead and Isak hummed cheerfully as he looked up at him.

“Happy New Year, baby,” Even said, just for him before they left this bathroom and found all the other people at the party that was just about to start.  

And, come to think of it … how come the parties were always at Isak’s place now?  How the fuck had Vilde managed to wangle that one? Isak opened his mouth to say something about it, but the look in Even’s eyes stopped him.  It was so damn  _ fond _ , and Isak found himself flushing under that stare.  So instead, he just said, “happy New Year, Evi” because that was all that mattered really.  The two of them starting a new year together.  One that would hopefully not have so many mistakes and stupid misunderstandings in it.

 

The party raged on around them, but Isak and Even barely paid any attention to their surroundings.  At the last party they’d had here, the two of them had made a conscious effort to be with other people.  Isak had felt all the huge weight of responsibility of hosting and he’d tried to meet with everyone there.  To limited success, he admitted to himself now, because he did keep getting distracted by Even whenever he wandered into Isak’s proximity.  He was only human, you know, and a mere human couldn’t be expected to just go around ignoring the hotness of his boyfriend.  No-one could really blame him, he was sure.  Not when they saw Even -- I mean, who could be expected to resist him?

So, yeah.  That other party hadn’t gone quite as planned.  Though, Isak was quite proud of how often he  _ hadn’t _ dragged Even off to be kissed.  If people knew how many times he’d refrained from doing just that then they might not be so annoying with the teasing about how often and how much they  _ had _ kissed (not that Jonas and Magnus exactly needed much reason to tease, but not giving them ammunition seemed like a sensible plan if Isak could just manage to figure out  _ how _ ).

Anyway, this time it was Eskild’s party, so Isak wasn’t the official host.  Isak didn’t feel even remotely like he needed to talk to other people.  At least not much.  Which meant that he could fully appreciate Even’s body where it was pressed against his back.  And if the way Even’s hands casually rubbed against his hips, and his thumbs brushed the skin that was exposed just under the hem of his shirt, made Isak’s insides simultaneously light on fire and melt … well, nobody needed to know.  Isak bit his lip in an attempt to stay focused in the moment and not drown in the sensations Even’s hands were creating.

“Dude, what’s up with you tonight?”  Jonas’s voice cut into Isak’s thoughts.

“What?  Nothing.  What do you mean?”

“You keep zoning out, and haven’t answered a single question we’ve asked for the last five minutes.”

“I bet he’s thinking of sex, right?”  Magnus asked, looking thrilled.  “That’s all he talks about these days.”

Isak could  _ feel _ a fucking blush heating up his cheeks.  Magnus was just a little too close to the truth to be comfortable, and why were Jonas and Mahdi nodding agreement?  Fucking assholes, all of them.

“Fuck off, I do not.”  He turned his head to look up at Even.  “I don’t, honest.”

Even was chuckling, making him also a fucking asshole.  “Oh I believe you, baby.  But you are a bit out of it today.”

“I’m just tired,” Isak groaned.  “I should go to bed, have a nice sleep.”  He winked at Even.  “You should come too, you know -- to make sure I’m sleeping properly.”

Mahdi choked off a laugh at the look on Magnus’s face, and pushed Jonas.  

“I feel like we should leave them alone.  You know they just get gross when they start with this shit.”

“Aww Mahdi, are you feeling left out?  You could come make sure I’m sleeping properly too.”

Isak sniggered at the look Mahdi gave him.  It was a mixture of horror and panic, and Isak gave him his very best innocent look -- one he’d worked on really hard and was quite proud of now, thank you very much.  Behind him, Isak could feel Even laughing, and his breath was warm on Isak’s ear.  He shivered as the others did wander away, his amusement turning quickly back to desire.  Even’s hands tightened on his hips and Isak wanted desperately to drag him to the relative safety of his bedroom … or more like  _ their _ bedroom now since Even spent most of his time there with Isak.  He turned around so he was facing Even and slung his arms over his shoulders.  Even pulled him in a little closer, making Isak’s brain short out just a little, before pressing a gentle kiss to his lips.

“I like your idea, but I think we should probably hang around for the whole midnight thing.  People might notice if you missed it,” Even said when he pulled back.

“But they wouldn’t notice if you did?”

“Nah.  It’s not my house.”

“What the fuck, Even?  You practically live here.  It’s as much your house as it is mine.”

“I’m not sure my mother would agree.”

“Asshole.  But I’m sure even she has noticed that you don’t sleep there very much.”

Even shrugged.  “Well, I am so very small and quiet that it’s easy to think I’m not there when I am, so she may not have noticed.”

“You’re such an idiot.”

Even shrugged again, then kissed Isak.  All thoughts of pushing the topic flew out of Isak’s brain as he let himself revel in the feelings again.  He would never, he thought as he gasped between kisses, get used to the way Even made him feel.  It was downright embarrassing just how much Even made him react -- the only reason it was even a little bearable was because he knew Even was affected similarly.  At least, he was if the strangled groan he just gave was anything to go by.  Soon, Isak lost the ability to form any sort of coherent thought and lost himself in the moment. 

By the time they stopped it was getting close to midnight, and Isak had forgotten what they’d been talking about in the rush to join the countdown.  He didn’t really reflect on it again until later, when they had shown the last of their guests out and Eskild was bullying them into helping to clean up.  As if it couldn’t wait ‘til morning, the asshole.  Even was laughing and teasing Eskild about wanting to impress some faceless dude he was about to go pick up.  Noora was rolling her eyes at both of them while gathering used beer cans, presumably in a bid to get to bed before dawn.  Linn … well, Linn had long since gone to her own room, but that was fairly normal.

It was all so familiar and domestic -- Even and his flatmates together, tidying and setting things to order, that Isak’s heart squeezed at how much he  _ wanted _ this.  He wanted this to continue.  He wanted Even to be there with them for the small moments as well as for all the big ones.  But the thing was, Isak had noticed that Even did shy away from any conversation that dealt with the future.  And okay so Isak figured that had a fair bit to do with him, which was fine, really.  Minute by minute and all that.  He got that it was important to Even to live in the now, and there were days when he honestly knew he needed that too.  When days got too hard for one or other of them, there was a sort of comfort in knowing that all he had to do was get through the next minute.  Then the next one and the next one -- and that many of those minutes were kissing minutes, which were awesome.  Because kissing Even was close to the most awesome activity Isak could think of doing.  So, yeah Isak got it.  He just wished sometimes that he could talk about his future, their future.

It was becoming clear that Even, while he admitted time and again that he missed Isak (and Isak’s bed) when he was away, wasn’t ready to talk about what that meant.  And in many ways, Isak knew that was sensible.  They were still teenagers and they didn’t have to rush into anything.  But Even didn’t suggest this was his home, not even as a joke, and since Even joked about literally everything else, it felt weird.  It felt like Even was avoiding thinking about that future at all.  And that was becoming really big, like a fucking elephant sitting right in the middle of the room.  But of course neither of them was addressing it because it was hard.  No matter how good their intentions, communication wasn’t easy -- and they tried, they genuinely did.  Even talked to him about the things that were on his mind often, and definitely more often than before … well, before the hotel.  Isak’s mind skittered away from dwelling too long on memories of that day, but he knew that had been the turning point where they’d (silently, because who the fuck actually talked about that sort of shit out loud) agreed to be more open with each other.

The thing was, though, that Isak could tell there were things Even wasn’t saying.  He knew it the way he knew Even’s smile or the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed.  The way he knew when Even’s mood was slipping.  He just knew.  And it shouldn’t annoy him, because it wasn’t like Isak was being all that forthcoming about everything -- witness the giant elephant sitting right here in this room right now.  And yet … and yet he did worry a little about it.  Because what if Even left again?  What if someone talked him out of wanting to be with Isak?  What if Even did realise that Isak was a somewhat useless high school kid who had no real idea of what he was doing and was just feeling his way through this relationship by blind luck and an, admittedly charming, grin?  He’d told Eva that even if this thing between them disappeared quickly, he was still really happy to have met Even.  And that was the truth.  But it wasn’t the whole truth.  Because, as much as he was happy to have met Even, he’d be  _ happier _ to keep him, at least for a bit longer.  

“Isak?  Get a grip.  You’ve done none of the helping!”  Eskild’s irritated voice cut through Isak’s thoughts and made him jump.

Noora laughed.  “You must be tired if even staring at your boyfriend can’t keep you awake.”

“What?  I am not tired!  I was helping, I just …” Isak waved a vague hand towards a pile of cups he’d been half-heartedly collecting.

Even moved over to him then, smiling the smile he always kept just for Isak and which made Isak melt every damn time.  “Hey, baby.  You okay?”  he asked quietly as he kissed Isak softly, the sort of kisses he always gave when they’d been apart for a short while and just needed a moment to reconnect.  Which was sappy as hell, Isak realised now, but he wasn’t complaining.

“Yeah,” Isak sighed, leaning his forehead into Even’s.  “Just thinking I guess.  About the new year and the new start.”

“New start?  Are you breaking up with me?”  There was a teasing glint in Even’s eyes, and no real worry behind the words, so Isak snorted.

“As if you’d let that happen.”

“Damn right.  I didn’t do all this work to impress you to have you just up and leave on a whim.”

“You know it’s in your contract you have to keep being impressive?”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.  Your mother stopped paying me, so now you’ve only got your own self to keep me around, and I’m very high maintenance.”

“Oh yeah?  And what exactly do I need to do to keep being impressive?”  Even asked as he kissed Isak again, more insistently this time which made Isak a little too weak to continue with this train of thought.

“I’m sure you can think of something,” Isak whispered into his mouth as they came up for air.

“For goodness’ sake,” Eskild moaned.  “Just go to your room.  My innocent eyes do not need to see this in my pure and virginal living area.”

Isak laughed and gave Eskild the finger behind Even’s back, while Noora said, “As if you _ever_ do innocent things around this place, Eskild.”

As Even kissed him again, Isak figured he’d worry about everything later.  Maybe he was being a little too impatient.  Things were going well, and if they didn’t talk about everything all the time, well maybe that didn’t actually matter.  This was Isak’s issue, after all, and there was no need to worry Even with it.  Not when it was actually such a small worry in the bigger picture.  In the bigger picture, they were trying and they were working out how to be together.  And basically it was pretty fucking awesome, so living in the now and not worrying about what might come tomorrow seemed to be doing the trick.

Living in the now meant Isak could kiss Even in this minute, and frankly right now that was more than enough.  And living in the now meant Isak ensured they made the  _ very  _ most of the following few minutes.  In these minutes, life was pretty good.


	5. Five: Even, Friday 10.26 - 15.20

The first week back at school had been exhausting.  Even was drained, emotionally and physically, and he was finding it hard once again to drag himself through the day on Friday.  He’d become used to the break from school, to being able to sleep when he wanted to and be awake when he needed to be.  He had also got very used to being near Isak most of the time, and now that they were back at school they barely saw each other.  In another time and another place that might have been okay, but right now all Even wanted to do was curl up with Isak in his bed, or to beat him on some computer game.  He wanted to switch his brain off for a bit and just exist.  With Isak.  Sadly the universe, this one anyway, didn’t want to give him that.  It was only first break and there were far too many classes between him and being able to go home.  

Even made his way to Isak’s locker just so he could see him and maybe draw some kind of comfort from even a short encounter.  He rounded the corner to see Isak in the distance, his head pressed against the locker, his shoulders slumped, and as Even got closer he could see a frown showing at the corners of his mouth.  Even frowned in return.  This wasn’t like Isak.  He was usually loud and energetic at school, a smile on his face and some sort of smart alec remark on his tongue.  He forgot his own exhaustion in concern for his boyfriend, slipping up behind him and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“Hey baby,” he said as he felt Isak startle under his hands before he turned around with a slight smile to kiss him properly.

“Hey.”

Up close, Isak looked even worse, with his face pale and drawn and red rims around his eyes.  His mouth was pulled again into a tight line and his eyes looked glassy and distant.

“I don’t mean to be an asshole, but you look like shit,” Even said quietly.

Isak flushed, and ducked his head.  “You don’t look that great yourself,” he snapped.

Even frowned.  This  _ really _ wasn’t like Isak.

“Seriously, Isak.  What’s wrong?  Did you find it hard to sleep again?”

Isak slumped against him and sighed, the reverberations from it echoing in Even’s chest.  He tightened his arms around Isak.  This was even less like Isak, who was still a little wary of being too openly affectionate in public.  He still wasn’t used to the attention several of the girls showered them with whenever they remembered that Isak and Even had a ‘thing.’  Even became even more concerned.

“I don’t know.  I’m just feeling weird, I guess.  I wish we didn’t have to be at school.”

Isak’s voice was at least more normal now, with the grumpy tone now just sounding tired and worn.

“I was just wishing that too,” Even said, rubbing his hands up and down Isak’s back.  Isak leaned into the touch and hummed appreciatively, before pulling back as if he’d just become aware of where they were.  “I miss spending all day with you,” Even added.

“So do I.” Isak sighed again as the bell rang.  “I guess we’d better go to class then.”

Even kissed him again, briefly, before squeezing his arm and reluctantly heading in the opposite direction.  While the encounter hadn’t gone the way he’d hoped when he’d first come out of class, it had achieved one thing.  Even was now too worried about Isak to even start to think about his own tiredness and low mood.   
  


Even worried through the rest of the morning, focused more on what Isak might be feeling than on anything he might learn in his classes.  Thankfully, all the work they were going over was stuff they’d already covered at Bakka before he’d left last year, so Even could keep up even with half his mind focused elsewhere.

He pulled out his phone, and nonchalantly held it next to the table.  He’d learned how to do this so that even the most observant teacher didn’t notice what he was doing.  He’d always been a little disdainful of those people who were so obvious when they tried to hide their texting that the teachers caught them.

_ Hey Isak.  I just wanted to tell you how hot you looked today _

He waited a few moments, hoping Isak would reply.  Even was alone at his table, so there was no-one to intrude which meant he was able to keep his phone open and lit up.  Usually he was a little unsettled whenever he ended up alone -- whether because people were weirded out by the idea of him and Isak being together or because they knew he was bipolar and couldn’t deal with it, Even never could tell -- but today it served his purposes and he was content.  He glanced at the phone every few seconds, which was even more distracting from his work, but Even didn’t care.  He wanted to know that Isak was feeling okay.  It took an agonising three minutes before his reply came.

_ Asshole.  You said I looked like shit. _

_ Well, you were a mess.  But a hot one. _

Isak sent back a heart but that was all.  He had English, Even knew, which meant that he was probably concentrating.  Unlike some of his other subjects, Isak had to focus in English to keep getting his good marks.  But Even was buoyed anyway.  If Isak was calling him asshole, then Isak was feeling relatively fine.  Asshole was one of the things he only said when he was in a good mood.

  
  


Even so, the wait for lunch was excruciating.  More so than usual.  By the time Even got to the cafeteria, he was impatient to see his boyfriend again.  He arrived at their usual table to find Jonas and Mahdi there already but no sign of Isak and Magnus.  He greeted the boys as cheerfully as he could, but his eyes darted round the room looking for Isak.

“He’s coming, bro, don’t worry,” Mahdi said with a smirk on his face, and Even grimaced at him.  He wasn’t sure if he liked being that transparent.

“Has he been acting a bit weird today?”  Even asked now, keeping his voice soft to try to avoid those around them from hearing.

“Weird?  How?”  Jonas perked up.

“I don’t know.  I saw him at the other break and he seemed really down.”

“I haven’t really noticed.  Did you notice anything, Mahdi?”

“Nope.  He seemed fine when we had class together.”

“Hmmm.”  

Even sat back, trying to look less conspicuous as he watched for Isak’s arrival.  He was fairly sure he gave himself away entirely when Isak did come through the door, and Even could feel the huge smile breaking out on his face.  The other boys sniggered, but Even didn’t really give a shit.  It was all he could do not to jump up and run over to Isak, but he forced himself to stay seated until Isak got to their table and slid into the seat next to Even’s.

Even leaned his arm over the back of Isak’s chair, both to run a comforting hand along the back of his neck, and to situate himself at the right angle to observe Isak and to see if he still looked as bad as he had this morning.  He still looked a little pale, and his smile was a little less vibrant than usual, but he looked infinitely better than he had before.  Even relaxed.

Throughout lunchtime, they talked and laughed as usual and Isak joined in almost the way he normally would.  But Even noticed a slight hesitation in some of his remarks, and he wasn’t as involved in the conversation.  Magnus, when he too arrived, said some things which would normally be fodder for Isak’s biting sarcasm, but which today just warranted a raised eyebrow and a slight quirk of the lip.

Even desperately wanted to get Isak alone to try to probe into what the problem was, but he didn’t get his chance until the very end of lunch.  The other boys all had classes at the far end of the school so they left with grumbles and irritated glances at the time.  Isak, however, didn’t seem to be in any hurry to leave.  He stayed sitting, his eyes unfocused and gaze distant as if he wasn’t really present.  Even rubbed his arm, and Isak finally glanced over at him and shook his head as if letting go of some faraway thought.

“You okay, baby?  You seemed stressed this morning.”

“Yeah.  Yeah, I’m just a bit tired.  I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

Despite having asked him the question earlier, the admission startled Even, who was used to being the one who was awake at odd times while Isak slept beside him.  How had he managed not to notice this?  Had Isak been pretending to sleep to lull Even into complacence?  Or was he waking during the night?  Either way, Even felt guilty for not having noticed.

“You want to talk about it?”

Isak gave him a long, considering look before answering.

“I’m not sure.  I don’t … I don’t feel like it’s something you need to be worried about.”

Even’s heart squeezed in his chest.  Why would Isak think he shouldn’t be worried?  If it was big enough to lose sleep over, it was big enough to share.  He said as much now, but Isak just shrugged.

“It’s not that big a deal.”

“Even so, we can talk about it.  You know that?”

The bell rang, and Isak smiled and gave Even a quick kiss before standing up with a groan.  

“I gotta go, baby, but I’ll see you after school?”

“Yeah, of course.  When do you finish?”

“15.15.”

“Me too, so we’ll meet out front?”

Isak nodded before heading quickly away, but Even frowned as he watched Isak’s retreating back.  The smile Isak had given hadn’t quite reached his eyes which still looked sad, and he’d managed to avoid discussing the idea that they could actually talk about stuff, particularly if he was losing sleep over it.   
  


The rest of the afternoon dragged as Even tried to work out what to do.  As good as they had got at talking about the really important things, it was becoming clear that they were still hesitant and a little unsure about what might happen if they talked everything out.  On some level, Even understood that.  They hadn’t been together for that long -- only a few weeks, though it felt much longer than that, given how comfortable he’d always felt in Isak’s presence.  So it was only to be expected that they didn’t have everything sorted out perfectly.  The problem was, it looked like things were beginning to have an effect.  Not on the two of them as a team, exactly, but if Isak really was losing sleep again, then Even knew he must have something weighing on his mind.

Isak had told him, hesitantly and with an embarrassed blush on his cheeks, how he’d been losing sleep the whole time their relationship had been in limbo, and Even had felt hot with the shame and guilt that he’d been the one to cause that.  Of course, Isak had denied that it was Even’s fault, but that still didn’t stop the way he felt.  So now that it was happening again, and Isak was refusing to talk to him about it, Even couldn’t help but worry that it had something to do with him again.  And he couldn’t bear to have another misunderstanding of that sort come between them, not a second time.

 

So by the time he met with Isak again after school he’d made a plan.  He’d texted Eskild and Noora to ask them if they and Linn could clear out of the flat for a few hours, and when he told them why,  their response had been immediately positive.  He got to the front of the school before Isak did, so he leaned up against the wall to wait, and tapped his hands on his legs to try to settle his nerves over what he was about to do.  He wasn’t sure what he’d do if this backfired on him.

“Hey baby,” he said when Isak finally appeared, looking even more tired than he had at lunchtime.  Even held out a hand to him and Isak took it, sinking gratefully into the hug that Even offered.

“What do you want to do?”  Isak asked eventually as he pulled back to look at Even.  “You want to get something to eat?”

Even’s heart beat faster as he shook his head.

“Nope.  I want to take you home, and I want to talk to you about some stuff.”

Isak looked confused.  “You want to talk?”

“About stuff, yeah.  And I think you should talk to me, too.  Whatever’s bothering us we should talk about.  Then maybe we can both sleep.”

“I’m not … it’s not something that needs talking about.”

Even swallowed, feeling anxious, but he put on his brightest smile and said, “I know.  But humour me, okay?   _ You _ might not need it but I think I do.”

Isak took a deep breath, and Even could see him steeling himself before he nodded.  He breathed out a sigh of relief.  It would be okay, he thought.  They’d be okay.  A good talk should be just the thing to sort this all out.


	6. Plus one: Isak, Friday 15.51

Isak’s heart was hammering in his chest -- but not for the good reasons, he thought grumpily.  When Even had suggested coming here and talking, Isak had freaked out.  It sounded a lot like ‘we should talk’ and Isak had seen enough of Even’s stupid love movies to know what that usually meant.   But then he pulled himself out of that because Even looked so loving and concerned and it was fucking impossible that he could look like that if he was just going to throw this thing away.  That didn’t stop Isak’s stupid heart from being an asshole, though.  Because as much as he knew not sleeping was no good for him, as much as he knew he was being irritable and annoying and losing concentration in class, Isak was still worried that telling Even everything would make him leave, and then Isak would be _completely_ fucked as far as sleep went.

Isak’s thoughts had been running wild on the way home.  They’d skipped from ‘Even is not going to leave you, you idiot’ to ‘this is trivial and he’ll think you’re stupid’ to ‘I want to tell him’ to ‘If I tell him he’ll leave’ and back again, which Isak knew was counterproductive.  Even, thank everything in creation, had remained silent as they’d made their way home, so Isak at least didn’t have to think of any small talk.  

But now they were inside his flat and Even’s eyebrows were doing that thing they did when he was expecting something, and Isak was standing here frozen like a fucking loser.  

“Do you want to have something to drink?  I could make coffee.”  Isak asked, feeling stupidly formal.  He was hovering awkwardly in the door to the kitchen trying to decide how to actually act right now.  He wasn’t used to not knowing how to behave around Even, but then he’d never been in a situation where they had a formal plan laid out for what they were about to discuss.  Not that this was a _formal_ plan, exactly, but they usually just made shit up as they went along.  This had build up and expectation, and Isak was stressing out a little.  

Even, bless him, reached out and tugged Isak to him, cutting off his thoughts and making things seem a little more normal.  He gave him a soft kiss, then cupped Isak’s face in his hands.

“I do not want a drink,” he said with a smirk to take the sting out of his imitation of Isak’s formal tone.  “I do not want any food.  I do not want anything … other than you.”

His voice went sultry and suggestive on the last sentence, and Isak blushed, the heat charging into his cheeks and making him squirm a little.  Even laughed.

“I had to get that out of the way, just so you know.  Because you’re hot and I always want you.”  Even kissed Isak again for emphasis, making him grin before he pulled back again.  “But right now, I want to talk.  As long as you’re still okay with that.”

This was his chance, Isak realised.  He could back out -- make up some bullshit excuse for why they couldn’t do this.  But he found as he looked at Even that he didn’t want to.  He searched his feelings to try to figure out what was happening and he realised finally that he was feeling _relief_ at the idea that they were here.  It had been hard keeping his worries to himself, and the idea of not only being allowed to talk about them but encouraged and _expected_ to, was taking a weight off his shoulders.

So he nodded, and whispered, “okay,” before leading Even towards his bedroom.

If he’d given any thought at all to how this would happen, Isak was pretty damn sure that this wasn’t how he would have pictured it.  He’d probably have imagined a somewhat formal situation where they sat stiffly and exchanged stilted confessions and then shook hands or something at the end. But instead, Even pulled him to the bed and insisted they lie down together. By the time he had them arranged to his satisfaction, Isak was giggling and the fear that had been heavy in his heart had lifted a little.  Even was such a goddam _dork_ , he thought fondly.  But he was Isak’s dork, and he couldn’t imagine anyone better to have a scary adult conversation with.

They lay together for a while, their breathing slowly falling into tune with each other, and Isak’s ragged breaths becoming more regulated and easy.  When they were so peaceful that Isak thought he might even be able to fall asleep, Even spoke.

“I’m scared,” he said.  His fingers ran along Isak’s arm in a rhythmic movement that sent shivers down Isak’s spine, and he carefully didn’t look at Isak.  Isak remembered that day a few weeks ago when they’d lain just like this and talked just like this, and he relaxed even more.  Nothing bad had come of that conversation -- and if they’d survived that one, they could survive this one, even without beer and the ease of a late night to make things more relaxed.

“What are you scared of?”  Isak asked finally, when he was sure Even wasn’t about to say any more without prompting.

Even sighed, and looked down at Isak for a brief moment.  “I’m scared that if I tell you everything you’ll want nothing more to do with me,” he said with a rueful smile.  “Stupid, yeah?”

Isak laughed, marvelling at the irony in Even’s words.

“Not so stupid,” he said quietly.  “I feel the same.  I feel like … you’re this amazing person and you’re two years older than me, and you have so much going for you, and I’m just … me, and I don’t know anything and I don’t know what I’m doing here, and one day you’re going to realise how much better you can do and then you’ll leave.”

It was hard to get the words out, but it was worth it.  No going back now.  They’d started, and there was no way out but through.  Besides, it was kind of funny and awesome that they both had the same fear.  That made it easier, right?

Even squeezed his shoulder when he’d finished, then brushed his lips over Isak’s hair.  He let out a small laugh, then said, “and here I am thinking I’m so broken and hard to deal with that someone as bright and smart and funny as you isn’t going to want to hang around with me for long.”

“Even!”  Isak said, sitting up slightly to force Even to look into his eyes.  “You’re not broken.  Why the fuck would you even say that?”

Even shrugged.  “It’s my thoughts.  And that’s what I mean.  What happens when you get sick of these thoughts and these types of words?”

Isak frowned.  “I don’t think I’d get sick of them?  I mean, I can’t know that for sure.  But I think I’d at least talk to you?”

Even laughed.  “You don’t sound very sure,” he said.

“I mean, I’m _not_ sure.  But I think … I think I can at least say I won’t get sick of them without talking about them with you first.”

“Because you’re so good at talking that you let yourself get sleep deprived from not doing it?”

“Shut up.  That’s different.  And anyway, isn’t that the point of today?”

“Thank you, baby.  That actually means a lot,” Even said, kissing Isak again before settling back.

They lay quietly again for a few moments, regaining the peace that had slipped a little as they talked.  Even seemed to know when Isak needed to think and when it was okay to talk, and that was … _really_ something, actually.  

“What … what are you scared to tell me?”  Isak asked finally.

Even shuffled a little, restless, and he didn’t answer for several long moments.  When he did finally answer, his voice was the smallest Isak had ever heard it.

“First, I need you to know this is about me and it’s not really about you at all, okay?”

Startled, Isak nodded, but his heart started beating faster.  He’d been nervous to talk about his own stuff, but he hadn’t thought to consider what Even’s worries might throw up about him.  He swallowed as Even started to speak again.

“I … uh.  I’m worried that if I try to be myself with you that you’ll get angry the way Sonja did and try to stop me.”

“You’re not yourself with me?”  Isak asked, horrified, unable to even look at his boyfriend in case he saw some admission there.  His palms were sweaty now, and he surreptitiously rubbed them on Even’s hoodie.

Even groaned.  “Shit.  No, that’s not what I meant.  Of course I am.  I mean more in the way of choosing what things to do.  Like if I want to smoke sometimes or have some beer.”

“But it’s not good for you,” Isak said.

“I know.  And I don’t really want to do it that much.  I mostly did it to have an excuse to hang around with you.”  Even squeezed him then, and Isak had a small moment of disbelief that this miraculous creature had done all that just to be with him.  There were times when Isak felt like he was living in some sort of alternate universe where beautiful hot guys were somehow inexplicably drawn to Isak as much as he was drawn to them, and did stupid things to try to impress him.   As if he could sense his thoughts, Even grinned and winked at Isak, or tried to.  He was fucking useless at winking.  

Isak was drawn out of his thoughts when Even continued.  “But sometimes I want to do stuff like that even though I know it’s stupid.  And Sonja … she’d be so nice, but she always noticed and monitored.  And you … you make it into a joke and I don’t feel judged in the same way.  But it’s a worry.  That one day you get that way.”

Isak flushed.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean…”

“Hey.  Hey, baby.  It’s okay.  I’m pleased that you care.  And it’s not really about you, you’ve done nothing to _really_ make me worry, but …”

Isak couldn’t help but notice the emphasis on the really, and he grimaced.  “But I have made you worry sometimes.  I’m sorry.  I’ll try not to do it anymore.”

“I just want to be sure that you won’t run away if I snap at you about it sometimes.  You saw how Sonja reacted that one time … I don’t want you to feel like you have to do that.  Just … be aware that I can get shitty about it.”

Isak laughed.  “It’s not like you don’t get shitty about other stuff, too.”

Even pushed him away, with a snort.  “Asshole.  I’m trying to be serious.”

“I know, and I’ll try to keep that in mind.  And just know that I’ll never hate you.  Even if it’s hard, I don’t hate you, okay?”

Even kissed him then, hard.  “Thank you,” he whispered when they pulled back again.  Then he poked Isak.  “That’s it.  That’s all my deep dark worries.  Now it’s your turn.”

Isak’s insides flooded with fear, and he ducked his head.  “Mine’s so stupid next to yours.”

Even’s voice was filled with exasperated affection when he said, “Isak, this isn’t a competition.  I know you’re the single most competitive person on the planet, but _this_ isn’t something to compete over.”

“Fuck you.  I know that.  It’s just …”  he sighed and turned onto his back, trapping Even’s arm under his back.  “Why do you never joke about this being your home?”  He glanced over at Even to take in his reaction.

Even gaped at him, then started laughing.  “You’re worried about the types of jokes I make?”

“No.  God.  Just … it feels like you maybe don’t see this as a place where you belong.”

“You’re losing sleep because I don’t joke about this place?”

“Even, focus.  I’m serious.  And fuck you, yes … I have lost sleep over this.  I _told_ you it was stupid.”

Even immediately sobered and pulled Isak until he was lying on top of Even’s chest with his head pillowed on his arms, and he rubbed circles into Isak’s back.  “It’s not stupid if it’s stressing you out.  But it has to be more than that.”

“I guess … I guess it feels like if you don’t see this as your place it means you don’t see a future with us, and that one day someone is going to come along and talk you out of being with me.”

“Isak.  You’re the one who brought up the whole ‘minute by minute’ thing.”

“I know, believe me.  That’s why I didn’t want to tell you.  It’s me being stupid.”

“I just told you, it isn’t stupid.”  He kissed Isak’s hair again.  “For the record, I do see this as a place I belong.  I just … I didn’t want to put any pressure on anything, you know?”

Isak nodded, but he still felt a little sad.  Even still hadn’t spoken about the future, and a part of him wanted to leave it here where things were still okay and they were at peace with the talk they’d had.  But he thought that was probably the cowardly thing to do, and if there was one thing Isak Valtersen refused to be it was a coward.

“Do you not see a future?” he asked, his voice wobbling a little as he forced the words out.

Even took a long time to answer, and when Isak looked at him  to try to figure out how he was going to react, he could see him weighing words on his lips, trying to decide which ones to use.  Isak ran shaking fingers up to Even’s face, and Even caught them in one hand and kissed the tips of Isak’s fingers before he finally answered, his voice steady and assured.

“Of course I do.  There are days when I’m a bit low and I think you’re going to run away from me, but usually I assume this is going to keep on going for as long as we want it to.”

“I’m not going to run away,” Isak said softly.  “And I want it to go on as long as we both want it to as well.”

“Well that’s good.  I’d hate to think you were losing sleep over something you wanted to chuck out tomorrow.”

“Fucking asshole,” Isak said, lifting his head up to kiss Even.

“Seriously, though.  Is that all that was worrying you enough to make you act like a total idiot today?”

“It was enough,” Isak murmured.

“Yeah.  It was.  As someone once told me - only you can feel what you feel.”

“You’re such a dick,” Isak said, his lips starting to curve upwards as the relief of having finally said what he’d been thinking took over.  Even hadn’t pushed him away.  In fact he was pulling Isak closer now and laughing.  

“It takes one to know one,” Even smirked.

Isak felt like he couldn’t deal with how light and happy he was feeling right now.  He snuggled closer to Even and sighed, feeling as content as he had in a long time.

“I can’t believe it took us seven weeks into being boyfriends before we had this talk.  That was so stupid.”

“I think you mean five weeks,” Even said, his voice sleepy.

“No, I definitely mean seven.  It’s been seven weeks since we got together, right?  When you came over that night and didn’t run away the next morning and then I started calling you my boyfriend.”

“You did?”  Even looked delighted as he looked up into Isak’s face.

“Yeah, of course.  Why?  Didn’t you?”

“I guess I thought of you as my boyfriend from the first time we kissed.  But I also kind of didn’t.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Hey, man.  That’s my thoughts you’re insulting there!”  Even sniggered and kissed Isak before continuing.  “I think of the start, the real proper start, as that night you came to me at the school.  Because that’s when I knew you knew it all and you still chose to be with me.  So that’s why I see that as our starting date.”

That was just about the most sappy romantic fucking shit Isak had ever heard, and he flushed with the pleasure of it.  

“Wow.  That’s … wow.”

“I needed you to see me, all of me, before I could trust we had a real thing happening.”

“And you think we have a real thing?”

“Yeah, baby, I do.  Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, as long as it takes -- I’m here in this.”

“Me too,” whispered Isak, overcome with emotion.  “Fuck, this shit is intense,” he added to ease some of the tension he was feeling.  “This talking thing is stressful and _hard._ ”

Even laughed and agreed, “yeah it is.”

“I think we should agree not to talk this much for a long time.  The longest time.”

“Oh yeah?  What should we do instead?”

“Well, I can think of some stuff that doesn’t involve talking,” Isak said, grinning as he pushed himself up so he was directly above Even, making him tilt his head to look up at Isak.  The look in Even’s eyes changed from amusement to desire and Isak gasped.  He leaned down to kiss Even, and their kisses quickly became heated.

“I think I can be persuaded not to talk … for a bit anyway,’ Even said, grinning into the next kiss and moving his hands down Isak’s body suggestively.

Isak rolled his eyes, but couldn’t really fault Even for that.  Now that he was so much happier and less tense, he found himself desperate to be with Even again.  It had been a long time since he’d been this uninhibited, and he took full advantage of the feelings.  It felt really fucking good (in more ways than one) to have all this off his chest and be able to know for sure that Even wouldn’t reject him, or at least not anytime soon and not without talking.

It was so good to feel so much less pressure, that once they were lying quietly together again Isak could feel himself drifting off to sleep.  For once, he wasn’t startled into wakefulness by intrusive thoughts and worries.  He felt so peaceful that it was easy to let himself sink into it.  Even’s fingers once again traced patterns on Isak’s arm as he lay tucked into his side, and Isak’s last memory before he tipped over into a dreamless sleep was of Even brushing his hair with his lips again and whispering, “you mean the world to me.  Sleep well.”  Isak smiled, and whispered back, “you mean the world to me too, baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it all done and dusted. Hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Of course, me being me, my brain went 'but you can't stop writing about these guys, how about considering this idea for another fic?' so I may or may not be writing another fic right now (I totally am writing another fic right now).
> 
> If you want to come say hi, you can find me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/rumpelsnorcack)


End file.
